Day 3: A New Challenge

5,198 days. 84 days. 2 days.

They say it takes 30 days to make or break a habit. Let’s see if I can make a habit, that will help unbreak my heart.

Emotions drain you of energy. It’s funny, I used to think they energized me, but anger, anger drags me under and tries to drown me. Heartbreak leaves me curled up in bed, unable to even crawl out from under the blankets. Fear, fear drives me to perfect every detail.

That leaves me with a challenge. Shaking off the anger, pushing the blankets off, and finishing the book. The book Mom never got to hold in her hands. The book she inspired, transcribed, and loved. June 25th would have been her birthday. Now, it’s my deadline.

Here’s a little sneak peek, along with that cover I love so much:

What do you do when life hands you heartache and shattered dreams?

A horse named Whirlwind was all it took to shatter Cassandra Caruthers body along with her dreams. After a year of grueling therapy, she is finally going home, only to find that life has moved on without her.

Her estranged father leaves her an inheritance with strings resembling barbed wire attached- a horse ranch. She doesn’t know what makes her more furious, her father thinking she ignored him, his leaving her a horse ranch, or that she can’t ask him why. The answers to those questions, and more await her in Twin Creeks, Texas.

Doctor Dallas Haloren never expected the woman of his dreams would ride into town in a vintage green mustang and nearly run him over. He didn’t need trouble from someone who’d get lost on a ranch. He’d made the mistake of falling for a city-girl once, he wouldn’t do it again. Yet, one look into the pain-filled eyes of his new neighbor, and Dallas knew he had to help her reclaim herself.

Cover designed by The Killion Group, Inc.

Day 2: Life Goes On

5,197 days. 83 days. 1 day.

I laugh. I joke. I pretend I am okay. That is what the five thousand, one hundred, ninety-seven days since you left have taught me to do. They say time heals all, I call BS. Time doesn’t heal anything. Time allows you the distance to stop feeling the pain so acutely. The distance to realize that you can live with a jagged hole in your chest where your heart used to be. 

Mom joined you 83 days ago. I’d like to think you had something to do with the date. That you were there with her in the end. That she wasn’t alone. I wish I had just one moment left with her. To say I am sorry. I’m sorry I was tired, and didn’t want to talk. I’m sorry I forgot to call her back. I’m sorry I wasn’t there…

There is irony here. I wasn’t there for you either. Walking away that day was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  You had walked long before that day, but this time there was no coming back, and I tried to understand, but you still held my heart. I wasn’t prepared then, and that hole is still here. I thought I was ready to say goodbye…

So, here goes nothing… Day 1. Life goes on, without you. 

I’ve been told I don’t like dealing with my problems. Okay, so how’s this for dealing?

I’ve decided it’s time to stop pretending that I am okay. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am not okay. I keep moving forward, because that’s all I can do. You left me.

YOU. LEFT. ME.

So, yeah, there it is in all it’s painful, heartbreaking glory. You left me, shattered, and I don’t know how to live without you. 

I write about love, and happily ever afters, but I don’t get to have that. 

Keep laughing, universe, keep laughing.

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