Broken, Shattered, Krysta Lynne Views
5,207 days. 93 days. 11 days.
The smile doesn’t reach the eyes.
The heart beats, but it’s all lies.
The laughter is a little too loud.
Alone, still in a crowd.
Faking it is the first thing you learn.
Waiting until it’s your turn.
This gaping hole in my chest
The remnants of a love laid to rest.
Always hiding the tears
After all it’s been years
I miss you too
I still love you
Here’s to faking it, because some days that’s all you can do. Missing you. Missing me.
5,206 days. 92 days. 10 days.
It’s a new month, a new start. Time to get cracking on the other writing.
Lately, I feel your presence more. I’m not sure what that means, but… it’s there.
I can’t sleep. I just see this looming deadline, a future I need to get moving towards.
I am not sure I am ready to plan this life, a life I wanted with you, but now have to face without you.
Still here. Still alone. Still loving you.
5,202 days. 88 days. 6 days.
Twenty random things:
I still miss you, need you, love you, and I hate being here without you.
5201 days. 87 days. 5 days.
If I stop to think about you, I can’t breathe.
I try to remind myself that it’s okay to miss you and still keep moving forward. However, convincing my head is far easier than convincing my heart.
So instead, I focus on work, on school, on Dad. On anything but the empty hole that still rests in my chest. Some days are better than others. Today isn’t one of them.
I still miss you, but I’m keeping busy, if you can spare it, could you send my heart back, it’ll always be yours… but I think I need it if I’m ever going to find a way to move beyond this state.
5200 days. 86 days. 4 days.
We used to sit and watch the storms. The crash of thunder, the flash of lightning, looking for the rainbows that would come out. I miss that. The quiet moments where words were unnecessary, and life was, well, peaceful.
It seems hard to believe that life can be so chaotic, yet peaceful at the same time. Those moments, that flash, the laughter, those are the memories that help me through each day. It took so long for me to be able to think about you without pain. Finding pictures, bittersweet memories of those last days, the joy on your face, the love, tempered with the knowledge that I have now that there was pain hidden beneath the smiles.
They say write what you know, I tried that. The thing about writing what you know, is sometimes it takes you to a dark place and nothing positive can be found in that place. I needed you, I needed us, but you weren’t here, and I had to figure out how to crawl out of that darkness. It’s still a battle some days. It’s hard to pretend otherwise, anymore.
Are you all right? How are you doing? I’m so sorry.
Of course I’m not all right. How do you think I’m doing? Did you do something to cause me harm? Well, stop saying you’re sorry. I get it. You want me to know you are here, that you care, and I appreciate you. I do.
I had a moment where I had the opportunity to not say those same things to a friend. It’s ironic how even when you know how much those words are like salt in the wound, they can slip from your lips just as easily. Saying I understand your pain, even if you do know that same loss, doesn’t mean your pain is the same. I try hard to remember that… but perhaps it’s the distance that lets me forget just how hard it was to breathe in those first hours, days, weeks, months, years after you left me.
Love can be everything. It can also be the one thing that can destroy you better than anything else.
Still here, still missing you…Still watching the storms, and reaching for your hand.
At least I still get the rainbows.
When I started planning this blog, I had a great vision. I wanted it to be a simple collection of thoughts, a vision into my world. I was excited about the possibilities that were just around the corner. Then a pandemic happened. Today, I find myself lost, isolated, heartbroken.
Life has at times found a way to make me laugh, make me cry, and make me curl up and want to say Goodbye…I have spent the past year taking precautions, protecting the ones that I love, working hard to finish my Master’s Degree, and polishing my first novel. I even purchased my cover, and I am in love with it…
One would think that this year has been productive, and that I would be satisfied, but it wasn’t. I made plans and the universe laughed at me. I celebrated as one of my critique partners finally published her first book, part of our series, and then her second book. I was and still am super proud of her and the work she has put in this year to meet her goals.
This past year has at times lifted me up, tore me down, and broken my heart. Just when I saw the light at the end of the long tunnel, I realized it was a train, barreling at me full steam. My world was about to be knocked off its axis. Are we ever really ready when that moment happens?
I wasn’t.
Sun rises in the East, and sets to the West, which confirms the earth is still spinning. My heart still beats, but my chest aches. 5, 196 days ago my world flipped upside down. My heart turned cold, and I didn’t think I would breathe again. The rock that helped me survive, that kept me grounded in the here and the now, that rock left me 82 days ago. Fourteen years (to the day) apart, the two people I don’t know how to live without left me behind.
My heart still beats… I am still here… without you.
Fractured Muse 