Category: death

Day 12: Fake it.

5,207 days. 93 days. 11 days.

The smile doesn’t reach the eyes.

The heart beats, but it’s all lies.

The laughter is a little too loud.

Alone, still in a crowd.

Faking it is the first thing you learn.

Waiting until it’s your turn.

This gaping hole in my chest

The remnants of a love laid to rest.

Always hiding the tears

After all it’s been years

I miss you too

I still love you

Here’s to faking it, because some days that’s all you can do. Missing you. Missing me.

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Day 7: Random Things…

5,202 days. 88 days. 6 days.

Twenty random things:

  1. I miss you.
  2. Music can be cathartic.
  3. Memories are like home movies.
  4. I miss the sound of your voice.
  5. Breathing is hard.
  6. Ice cream is not a cure all.
  7. Books offer escape.
  8. I need you.
  9. I notice blood on the moon a lot more these days.
  10. I love you.
  11. Dark Chocolate rocks.
  12. I have found that there are a lot of varieties of Whiskey, Scotch and Bourbon.
  13. You can survive with a shattered heart.
  14. Writing a book is a lot harder than people think.
  15. I miss your laughter.
  16. My Tarot readings are dark.
  17. Vodka has a lot of flavors. Cherry reminds me of us.
  18. You can not live life in the past.
  19. The pain never goes away.
  20. I’m still breathing, I am not sure how, or why, but I’m still here, missing you, missing us..

I still miss you, need you, love you, and I hate being here without you.

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Day 6: keeping busy

5201 days. 87 days. 5 days.

If I stop to think about you, I can’t breathe.

I try to remind myself that it’s okay to miss you and still keep moving forward. However, convincing my head is far easier than convincing my heart.

So instead, I focus on work, on school, on Dad. On anything but the empty hole that still rests in my chest. Some days are better than others. Today isn’t one of them.

I still miss you, but I’m keeping busy, if you can spare it, could you send my heart back, it’ll always be yours… but I think I need it if I’m ever going to find a way to move beyond this state.

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Day 1: Saying Goodbye…

When I started planning this blog, I had a great vision. I wanted it to be a simple collection of thoughts, a vision into my world. I was excited about the possibilities that were just around the corner. Then a pandemic happened. Today, I find myself lost, isolated, heartbroken. 

Life has at times found a way to make me laugh, make me cry, and make me curl up and want to say Goodbye…I have spent the past year taking precautions, protecting the ones that I love, working hard to finish my Master’s Degree, and polishing my first novel. I even purchased my cover, and I am in love with it…

One would think that this year has been productive, and that I would be satisfied, but it wasn’t. I made plans and the universe laughed at me. I celebrated as one of my critique partners finally published her first book, part of our series, and then her second book. I was and still am super proud of her and the work she has put in this year to meet her goals. 

This past year has at times lifted me up, tore me down, and broken my heart. Just when I saw the light at the end of the long tunnel, I realized it was a train, barreling at me full steam. My world was about to be knocked off its axis. Are we ever really ready when that moment happens?

I wasn’t.  

Sun rises in the East, and sets to the West, which confirms the earth is still spinning. My heart still beats, but my chest aches. 5, 196 days ago my world flipped upside down. My heart turned cold, and I didn’t think I would breathe again. The rock that helped me survive, that kept me grounded in the here and the now, that rock left me 82 days ago. Fourteen years (to the day) apart, the two people I don’t know how to live without left me behind.  

My heart still beats… I am still here… without you. 

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