Category: Family

Day 13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20..21..

Day 5,216. Day 102. Day 20.

Some days are better than others.

Life sometimes demands our full attention, leaving us exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and barely hanging on. That is what the past nine days have done for me.

I had a solid plan. Finish the degree started in 2004, (okay it’s #3, but the journey started way back then on the first one) Finish the last class and get back to work.

I had a second plan, finish revisions and get that book into print. There are 14 days until my self-imposed deadline. I am not going to make it. I think that is what kept me from making even the briefest post this past week. Knowing I was going to fail. Seeing the writing on the wall that I couldn’t make that deadline.

So, I have a new plan. Don’t Panic. Take everything… One hour at a time. One Day at a time. One chapter at a time. I can do this. It might not be done by Mom’s birthday but It will be done come hell, high water, and crazy people, before mine.

I could use your strength right now, missing you.

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Day 12: Fake it.

5,207 days. 93 days. 11 days.

The smile doesn’t reach the eyes.

The heart beats, but it’s all lies.

The laughter is a little too loud.

Alone, still in a crowd.

Faking it is the first thing you learn.

Waiting until it’s your turn.

This gaping hole in my chest

The remnants of a love laid to rest.

Always hiding the tears

After all it’s been years

I miss you too

I still love you

Here’s to faking it, because some days that’s all you can do. Missing you. Missing me.

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Day 10: Life with a Combat Veteran…

5,205 days. 91 days. 9 days.

I woke early, thinking I had heard your voice. I couldn’t sleep after that.

Then glass shattered. Maybe, I did hear you after all.

Most days it’s easy to forget that my dad served 5 tours in Vietnam. Most days it’s easy, because he doesn’t talk about it a lot. Then there are the days when movies of war dominate the small screen, fireworks light up the sky, or a stranger throws a rock and it shatters a window, his window.

Those are the days when he becomes jumpy. Those are the days with period of him tuning me out, and I know he’s somewhere other than here. Those are the days when I get angry that there isn’t better care for our Veterans in this country.

To have this invasion of his privacy, on a day set aside to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, like the friends who didn’t come home with him, is frustrating. It’s bad enough when neighbors ignore a simple request to not fire off fireworks right at his window, but now to have someone throwing rocks (a lot of them, at multiple windows, in multiple homes) it truly makes me wonder, what kind of world we are living in.

If you were here, I know what you would have done. I’m not that brave, I never was. For now, I’ll do my best to maintain the calm, but I still miss you. I still need you. Always.

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