Day 4.5: When it rains…

5,199 days. 85 days. 3 days.

It’s raining, again. This is the time of the year I stress over. I stress over the bayou being able to contain the water, and staying dry.

I didn’t worry about things like flood waters rising, or how much rain fell, before.

Today, however, I will watch the weather. Because there is no where for the water to go, anymore. The ground is saturated. Yet, more rain will fall. The bayous will rise, and I must be vigilant.

In the meantime… I will keep moving forward, I have 1 month. I will do this, for her, for you, for me. It’s not easy trying to find a reason to move on… I still miss you.

May 25, 2021 0

Day 4: The winding road

5,199 days. 85 days. 3 days.

My heart still beats. Yesterday I took a moment to share the cover, and the joy it brings me for Sassy and Dallas’s love story. They get their happily ever after.

I feel like I am on a winding road. Sometimes it’s all up hill, sometimes I’m racing at a breakneck speed. Mostly, I just can’t see around the next bend to know if it’s going to drop out from under me again.

Today I have to set aside the creative hat, and focus on the History Major hat. I had to choose a topic for my capstone, and while there were many I could have chosen, I decided to touch on a subject dear to my heart, Women’s Suffrage. Over a century after women gained the right to vote, and still we have to fight to be treated equally.

It amazes me to see so many people who don’t utilize their right to have their voices heard, and it got me to thinking about why there is apathy in voting today. Since I turned 18, and was able to vote, I have missed only one election, and it was due to moving and missing a deadline due to the laws regarding voter registration. I have been diligent to make sure that didn’t happen again in the years since then.

This past election was historic, more people voted than ever before. Still… the percentage of voters was not enough, too many still didn’t exercise their rights. Despite historic numbers there were claims that the election was stolen. Claims that voter fraud occurred have led to bills being introduced that are restricting voters. What does that say about where we are today?

Will my capstone change the world… Probably not. Will I try to give people a reason to step up and vote the next time there is an election? I hope so.

Just another day on the winding road… I still don’t know how to be here without you, but I’m trying. I can keep moving. Without you, it’s just motion though.

May 25, 2021 0

Day 3: A New Challenge

5,198 days. 84 days. 2 days.

They say it takes 30 days to make or break a habit. Let’s see if I can make a habit, that will help unbreak my heart.

Emotions drain you of energy. It’s funny, I used to think they energized me, but anger, anger drags me under and tries to drown me. Heartbreak leaves me curled up in bed, unable to even crawl out from under the blankets. Fear, fear drives me to perfect every detail.

That leaves me with a challenge. Shaking off the anger, pushing the blankets off, and finishing the book. The book Mom never got to hold in her hands. The book she inspired, transcribed, and loved. June 25th would have been her birthday. Now, it’s my deadline.

Here’s a little sneak peek, along with that cover I love so much:

What do you do when life hands you heartache and shattered dreams?

A horse named Whirlwind was all it took to shatter Cassandra Caruthers body along with her dreams. After a year of grueling therapy, she is finally going home, only to find that life has moved on without her.

Her estranged father leaves her an inheritance with strings resembling barbed wire attached- a horse ranch. She doesn’t know what makes her more furious, her father thinking she ignored him, his leaving her a horse ranch, or that she can’t ask him why. The answers to those questions, and more await her in Twin Creeks, Texas.

Doctor Dallas Haloren never expected the woman of his dreams would ride into town in a vintage green mustang and nearly run him over. He didn’t need trouble from someone who’d get lost on a ranch. He’d made the mistake of falling for a city-girl once, he wouldn’t do it again. Yet, one look into the pain-filled eyes of his new neighbor, and Dallas knew he had to help her reclaim herself.

Cover designed by The Killion Group, Inc.

May 24, 2021 0

Day 2: Life Goes On

5,197 days. 83 days. 1 day.

I laugh. I joke. I pretend I am okay. That is what the five thousand, one hundred, ninety-seven days since you left have taught me to do. They say time heals all, I call BS. Time doesn’t heal anything. Time allows you the distance to stop feeling the pain so acutely. The distance to realize that you can live with a jagged hole in your chest where your heart used to be.

Mom joined you 83 days ago. I’d like to think you had something to do with the date. That you were there with her in the end. That she wasn’t alone. I wish I had just one moment left with her. To say I am sorry. I’m sorry I was tired, and didn’t want to talk. I’m sorry I forgot to call her back. I’m sorry I wasn’t there…

There is irony here. I wasn’t there for you either. Walking away that day was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You had walked long before that day, but this time there was no coming back, and I tried to understand, but you still held my heart. I wasn’t prepared then, and that hole is still here. I thought I was ready to say goodbye…

So, here goes nothing… Day 1. Life goes on, without you.

I’ve been told I don’t like dealing with my problems. Okay, so how’s this for dealing?

I’ve decided it’s time to stop pretending that I am okay. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am not okay. I keep moving forward, because that’s all I can do. You left me.

YOU. LEFT. ME.

So, yeah, there it is in all it’s painful, heartbreaking glory. You left me, shattered, and I don’t know how to live without you.

I write about love, and happily ever afters, but I don’t get to have that.

Keep laughing, universe, keep laughing.

May 23, 2021 0

Day 1: Saying Goodbye…

When I started planning this blog, I had a great vision. I wanted it to be a simple collection of thoughts, a vision into my world. I was excited about the possibilities that were just around the corner. Then a pandemic happened. Today, I find myself lost, isolated, heartbroken.

Life has at times found a way to make me laugh, make me cry, and make me curl up and want to say Goodbye…I have spent the past year taking precautions, protecting the ones that I love, working hard to finish my Master’s Degree, and polishing my first novel. I even purchased my cover, and I am in love with it…

One would think that this year has been productive, and that I would be satisfied, but it wasn’t. I made plans and the universe laughed at me. I celebrated as one of my critique partners finally published her first book, part of our series, and then her second book. I was and still am super proud of her and the work she has put in this year to meet her goals.

This past year has at times lifted me up, tore me down, and broken my heart. Just when I saw the light at the end of the long tunnel, I realized it was a train, barreling at me full steam. My world was about to be knocked off its axis. Are we ever really ready when that moment happens?

I wasn’t.

Sun rises in the East, and sets to the West, which confirms the earth is still spinning. My heart still beats, but my chest aches. 5, 196 days ago my world flipped upside down. My heart turned cold, and I didn’t think I would breathe again. The rock that helped me survive, that kept me grounded in the here and the now, that rock left me 82 days ago. Fourteen years (to the day) apart, the two people I don’t know how to live without left me behind.

My heart still beats… I am still here… without you.

May 22, 2021 0