Author: Krysta Lynne

I am the Storyteller, I choose how the story is told. I am a Writer. I am not a Plotter.

Day 1… again -Spinning Wheels

Day 6,669; Day 1,554; Day 1, again.

Life has a way of making our heads reel. Leaving us spinning, round and round, with no hope to stop the dizzying ride. I have put books on back burners, dealt with disappointment in college, voters, and family.

Enough. It’s time to focus on the here, on the now, on the next step.

Niagara Falls. July.

Alaska. October.

Today’s Reflection… You only fail when you stop trying.

I still miss you… every second, every heartbeat, the ache is still there, but slowly, I can breathe again…

0

Day 13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20..21..

Day 5,216. Day 102. Day 20.

Some days are better than others.

Life sometimes demands our full attention, leaving us exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and barely hanging on. That is what the past nine days have done for me.

I had a solid plan. Finish the degree started in 2004, (okay it’s #3, but the journey started way back then on the first one) Finish the last class and get back to work.

I had a second plan, finish revisions and get that book into print. There are 14 days until my self-imposed deadline. I am not going to make it. I think that is what kept me from making even the briefest post this past week. Knowing I was going to fail. Seeing the writing on the wall that I couldn’t make that deadline.

So, I have a new plan. Don’t Panic. Take everything… One hour at a time. One Day at a time. One chapter at a time. I can do this. It might not be done by Mom’s birthday but It will be done come hell, high water, and crazy people, before mine.

I could use your strength right now, missing you.

0

Day 12: Fake it.

5,207 days. 93 days. 11 days.

The smile doesn’t reach the eyes.

The heart beats, but it’s all lies.

The laughter is a little too loud.

Alone, still in a crowd.

Faking it is the first thing you learn.

Waiting until it’s your turn.

This gaping hole in my chest

The remnants of a love laid to rest.

Always hiding the tears

After all it’s been years

I miss you too

I still love you

Here’s to faking it, because some days that’s all you can do. Missing you. Missing me.

0

Day 11: a new month…

5,206 days. 92 days. 10 days.

It’s a new month, a new start. Time to get cracking on the other writing.

Lately, I feel your presence more. I’m not sure what that means, but… it’s there.

I can’t sleep. I just see this looming deadline, a future I need to get moving towards.

I am not sure I am ready to plan this life, a life I wanted with you, but now have to face without you.

Still here. Still alone. Still loving you.

0

Day 10: Life with a Combat Veteran…

5,205 days. 91 days. 9 days.

I woke early, thinking I had heard your voice. I couldn’t sleep after that.

Then glass shattered. Maybe, I did hear you after all.

Most days it’s easy to forget that my dad served 5 tours in Vietnam. Most days it’s easy, because he doesn’t talk about it a lot. Then there are the days when movies of war dominate the small screen, fireworks light up the sky, or a stranger throws a rock and it shatters a window, his window.

Those are the days when he becomes jumpy. Those are the days with period of him tuning me out, and I know he’s somewhere other than here. Those are the days when I get angry that there isn’t better care for our Veterans in this country.

To have this invasion of his privacy, on a day set aside to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, like the friends who didn’t come home with him, is frustrating. It’s bad enough when neighbors ignore a simple request to not fire off fireworks right at his window, but now to have someone throwing rocks (a lot of them, at multiple windows, in multiple homes) it truly makes me wonder, what kind of world we are living in.

If you were here, I know what you would have done. I’m not that brave, I never was. For now, I’ll do my best to maintain the calm, but I still miss you. I still need you. Always.

0

Day 9: Reconnecting…

5,204 days. 90 days. 8 days.

Three months. It doesn’t seem like so long, but it is. I spent the day with friends. Safe in the knowledge that they had my back, and I could turn into a blubbering mess and I’d be okay. I still miss you, but I’m glad you don’t hurt anymore. I love you, Mama.

I talked about you. About us. Today. I didn’t cry. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It was good talking about you and remembering the fun times, but there is still a hole where my heart once was. I still miss you. I still need you. I don’t know if I will ever move past that, but today, for a few hours, I could talk about you with friends, and feel your presence without the constant pain. I’ll take that small win.

You still have my heart.

0

Day 8: Week one reflections…

5,203 Days. 89 Days. 7 days.

It’s hard to be here, a week after coming to the conclusion that I had to do something to stop wallowing in the past.

Life has a way of making us sit up and take notice of the things we’re neglecting. Whether it’s our health, the other people we love, or the jobs we’re passionate about.

For now, I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep missing you.

0

Day 7: Random Things…

5,202 days. 88 days. 6 days.

Twenty random things:

  1. I miss you.
  2. Music can be cathartic.
  3. Memories are like home movies.
  4. I miss the sound of your voice.
  5. Breathing is hard.
  6. Ice cream is not a cure all.
  7. Books offer escape.
  8. I need you.
  9. I notice blood on the moon a lot more these days.
  10. I love you.
  11. Dark Chocolate rocks.
  12. I have found that there are a lot of varieties of Whiskey, Scotch and Bourbon.
  13. You can survive with a shattered heart.
  14. Writing a book is a lot harder than people think.
  15. I miss your laughter.
  16. My Tarot readings are dark.
  17. Vodka has a lot of flavors. Cherry reminds me of us.
  18. You can not live life in the past.
  19. The pain never goes away.
  20. I’m still breathing, I am not sure how, or why, but I’m still here, missing you, missing us..

I still miss you, need you, love you, and I hate being here without you.

0

Day 6: keeping busy

5201 days. 87 days. 5 days.

If I stop to think about you, I can’t breathe.

I try to remind myself that it’s okay to miss you and still keep moving forward. However, convincing my head is far easier than convincing my heart.

So instead, I focus on work, on school, on Dad. On anything but the empty hole that still rests in my chest. Some days are better than others. Today isn’t one of them.

I still miss you, but I’m keeping busy, if you can spare it, could you send my heart back, it’ll always be yours… but I think I need it if I’m ever going to find a way to move beyond this state.

0

Day 5: After the rain…

5200 days. 86 days. 4 days.

We used to sit and watch the storms. The crash of thunder, the flash of lightning, looking for the rainbows that would come out. I miss that. The quiet moments where words were unnecessary, and life was, well, peaceful.

It seems hard to believe that life can be so chaotic, yet peaceful at the same time. Those moments, that flash, the laughter, those are the memories that help me through each day. It took so long for me to be able to think about you without pain. Finding pictures, bittersweet memories of those last days, the joy on your face, the love, tempered with the knowledge that I have now that there was pain hidden beneath the smiles.

They say write what you know, I tried that. The thing about writing what you know, is sometimes it takes you to a dark place and nothing positive can be found in that place. I needed you, I needed us, but you weren’t here, and I had to figure out how to crawl out of that darkness. It’s still a battle some days. It’s hard to pretend otherwise, anymore.

Are you all right? How are you doing? I’m so sorry.

Of course I’m not all right. How do you think I’m doing? Did you do something to cause me harm? Well, stop saying you’re sorry. I get it. You want me to know you are here, that you care, and I appreciate you. I do.

I had a moment where I had the opportunity to not say those same things to a friend. It’s ironic how even when you know how much those words are like salt in the wound, they can slip from your lips just as easily. Saying I understand your pain, even if you do know that same loss, doesn’t mean your pain is the same. I try hard to remember that… but perhaps it’s the distance that lets me forget just how hard it was to breathe in those first hours, days, weeks, months, years after you left me.

Love can be everything. It can also be the one thing that can destroy you better than anything else.

Still here, still missing you…Still watching the storms, and reaching for your hand.

At least I still get the rainbows.

0

Website Built with WordPress.com.

Up ↑