5200 days. 86 days. 4 days.

We used to sit and watch the storms. The crash of thunder, the flash of lightning, looking for the rainbows that would come out. I miss that. The quiet moments where words were unnecessary, and life was, well, peaceful.

It seems hard to believe that life can be so chaotic, yet peaceful at the same time. Those moments, that flash, the laughter, those are the memories that help me through each day. It took so long for me to be able to think about you without pain. Finding pictures, bittersweet memories of those last days, the joy on your face, the love, tempered with the knowledge that I have now that there was pain hidden beneath the smiles.

They say write what you know, I tried that. The thing about writing what you know, is sometimes it takes you to a dark place and nothing positive can be found in that place. I needed you, I needed us, but you weren’t here, and I had to figure out how to crawl out of that darkness. It’s still a battle some days. It’s hard to pretend otherwise, anymore.

Are you all right? How are you doing? I’m so sorry.

Of course I’m not all right. How do you think I’m doing? Did you do something to cause me harm? Well, stop saying you’re sorry. I get it. You want me to know you are here, that you care, and I appreciate you. I do.

I had a moment where I had the opportunity to not say those same things to a friend. It’s ironic how even when you know how much those words are like salt in the wound, they can slip from your lips just as easily. Saying I understand your pain, even if you do know that same loss, doesn’t mean your pain is the same. I try hard to remember that… but perhaps it’s the distance that lets me forget just how hard it was to breathe in those first hours, days, weeks, months, years after you left me.

Love can be everything. It can also be the one thing that can destroy you better than anything else.

Still here, still missing you…Still watching the storms, and reaching for your hand.

At least I still get the rainbows.